Dear Old Bags,

One of you has treated me well, carried a lot of my stuff around, taken my abuse, while the other is just old and crude. I had to give one of you up when your zipper failed to zip over and over and over again. I just can't have my life exposed like that, I'm sorry it's not you, it's really for other people sake, I don't want anyone to know that I need a huge bowling ball size bag to carry all this shit around:
tampons
licorice
toothpicks
address book
small hand held pistol
blank little book to write down funny things in numerical order
quiz master
hair net
toothbrush
hair gel
cheese
cell phone
keys
machetti
flatware
Anyways...I dont want people to know about my personal items. So old bag #1 you have been replaced.
Another thing I don't want anyone to know is how I despise YOU, old bag. (The other one) You came into my store on a Tueday about ten minutes before closing complaining that you had been calling and calling for directions and nobody would return your phone call. Well, first of all that is not my fault, are you sure you dialed the right number old bag?? Are you sure you called during actual store hours and not 6am when you rise every day? Are you sure that you remembered to pay your phone bill, after all you are an old bag.
After I kindly and politely ignored your complaints and checked you out and then you proceeded to ask me for more directions. Did you not find the place? I see you right there in front of me...old bag.....what more could you ask for? Just retrace your steps. "ITS TOO LATE TO TAKE THE HIGHWAY!!" you screached at me. "IF I TAKE THIS ROAD WILL IT END UP BY THE LAKE?" Well, old bag of course you will end up by the lake, I am sure that you have lived here long enough to remember that any residence north of roosevelt is west of the lake meaning YES, if you go east you will end up at the lake. What I really said was "(chuckle chuckle) yes, if you go east you will end up by the lake" Old bag senses my sarcasm and yells back at me "What about this street! Can I get on LSD from here??" "I don't know old bag, go east and find out, if it doesnt, take a left and find a street that does" "YOU DONT KNOW?? HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW?? WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU YOU ARE NO HELP MY GOD" (she really said this to me) "Well, I don't ever drive around these parts" WELL THATS RIDICULOUS" Ok, enough of you, Good bye old bag, I hope you get lost on your way home. Don't forget to pay your phone bill.
Anywho, I like to say that I will have many fond memories of you old bag with your big straps and your constant strain on my shoulder, while you purple hair old bag will always stick in my memory as the oldest stinkiest bag I have ever met. Who pays $700 for ten plates from Italy and bitches about me not knowing if Armitage has a fucking exit on LSD? Your wrinkles make you look like a prune old bag, go home and pee in a diaper.