Naked pictures of you

Trust me, you don't want me cooking you dinner.

2006-05-01T18:03:00.000-05:00

Shopping is so hard. Every time I go to the grocery I leave with a large quantity of unrealated material....popcorn and gravy, ice cream and jelly, lettuce and cereal, pie crust and mayonaise. And it's not my fault. Grocery store companies have the entire store all f-d up! They need to organize not by category, but by meals. The Milk needs to be next to everything that requires milk; i.e. cereal and cookies. The bread needs to be by all the meats and cheeses and p.b&j. There should also be apples in there because apples tast good with peanut butter. The Meats should be accompanied by side dishes...throw a fricking potato in there...would that kill you stock boy? And you're thinking, well who is to decide what tastes good with what and who likes what with what. Well....I feel like since I am handing over my hard earned cash for some foods you should be able to fill in the blank of what I am going to eat. If I pick up a steak, tell me what to eat with it. If I go to the register with a handful of cashews, some nylon, and a baugette ask me what my problem is. I have the same trouble when I go clothing shopping. Everything is casual and everything is seperated by category, jeans, tops, takn tops, etc. Why is it so hard to put a shirt with the pants and tell me what goes with what? I don't have "style" I don't know what to do. Yesturday I was at the mall for 6 hours trying to get an ourfit for a wedding and left with two skirts that look almost identical and a sweatshirt from another store. Where is my outfit? Someone tell me where my outfit is. ...or at least someone give me a shirt to wear otherwise I may or may not steal the brides thunder at her happy day of ceremonies. What a headache.

Kelly Ripa, how do you do it?

2006-03-17T23:51:00.000-06:00

I have so many questions that need answering I think I am starting to remember what it was like to be an infant that is discovering the world for the first time....but that honestly is usually what my day to day life consists of, confusion. Like tonight.
Had a few beers after work, looking for a fast safe way home...hail a cab..hello.
Cab experiences can range from horrifying and regretable...... to you praying for your life to learning something new about people in other places and countires .....followed by an invitation to a family dinner.
Tonight I have to say was a first...this guy has a very nice speaker system, conveniently attached to a television that was mounted in between the driver and passenger seats. After the first whif of cologne subsided I watched him apply a nice thin coat of lotion to his hands. Was this for fast movment of the wheel.... need some assistance turning the corer? ..anyways......At first he was watching reality tv shows and after a while I just sat back and stopped watching because not only did I not want to crash and burn but I really didnt want to ruin his conentration on who was being voted off what reality tv show...anyways....I kinda spaced out for a while and then Becker came on! Listening to the sitcom Becker without any visual reference is an experience of it's own. First of all it's not funny. Now it is very possible that it is not funny to me because I am not seeing the magical moment that is happening between Ted Dansons pre-determined verbage and physical movements. I guess talking about doctors that don't care about anything except money is funnier if you see it instead of hear it.
Later the cab and I got wrapped up in a little bit of traffic. He turned Becker off....but why? He put on this Italian orchestra production that not only calmed the nerves but really made me yearn for David Hasslehoff...I mean please sit back, relax and watch the meter turn. I don't think I am going to have to break this 20 afterall.

The Literal Channel

2006-02-13T22:30:00.000-06:00

There is an endless list of why cable tv is so great. Bascially it is just a metaphor for what you have in life which is options. I have the option of watching MTV until I am blue in the face and also may want to kill myself because all my brain cells have commited suicide. I have the option of watching old game shows with old people and old-type pappy jokes like Howdy Doody. I have the option of watching Dirty Dancing every day, or I could watch the Sopranos and pretend I know what they are talking about and what is going on even though I don't.
BUT what I REALLY love is the science channels!! They are not keen on fancy titles for thier shows or interested in celeb-reality. It is what it is. There are NO surprises with the science channels. If you see a show called "Face Eating Tumor" I gurantee it is NOT going to be about the acne of a13 year old. The other day I was hanging out, making some dinner and my favorite show, "Mastadon in your back yard" came on. Was I pumped!! Other shows that I really enjoy just because of thier literal capacity:
Trauma; life in the E.R.
When medical instruments are left behind
I am my own twin
Born without a face
Dive to Bermunda Triangle
Face Transplant
Born with two heads
Born with three feet
Mega Machines

Let's face it. Out of all the channels the science channels are the best. They are actual reality and it is lots of usefull/useless information that you can bring up at social events and/or work (depending on where you work) . I mean seriously, what is more interesting. Bringing up who got booted off The gauntlet or how you save a man from a face eating tumor? No contest.

Salmon and cookie dough do NOT mix

2006-02-10T23:42:00.000-06:00

It is Friday night and I decide to check my email at 11pm. I seriously don't know what is better then receiving a letter from your boss asking if it's okay if we cancel work tommorow at 8 am. Seriously what is better than finding out at the last minute that you don't have to go to work? When does that happen? A cure for cancer is certainly better, or possibly a pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, sausage and black olives that helps you lose weight is obviously better..... but for right now, this moment i get to sit here and be happy that I don't have to wake up at 7 am on a Saturday morning. Ah....happy day.
Now here is an idea. They should make keyboards for laptops that glow in the dark. This is useful when it is late at night and you don't want to wake other people up with lights. I sit here and type in the dark but keep having to tip the laptop up and use the light from your screen that bounces off of your keyboard to properly locate the correc3t key you're looking for. Most people's respnce to that might be "learn how to type, remember 6th grade?" Well, when they put that oh so highly durable, non- penatrable piece of white paper taped to the keyboard over my hands I may have taken a peak here and there. I apologize Mrs. Beam. But I did always love your Q-tip looking hair doo. And it is quite possible that I still can't type properly because the real true goal in 6th grade computer class was to get the highest Oregon Trail score without dying in the dirt of dysentary. I remember trying to get out of school by telling the nurse I had dysentary that year....I don't think it worked, but I will tell you what causes dysentary is Salmon and cookie dough.
The Salmon and Cookie dough diet by M. Keenan
It's loosly based on Dr. Perricones diet which includes lots of salmon and tuna and some egg whites and some fruit. Actually it's a tasty regiment of food if you ask me. ...Technically there is no cookie dough on the diet but I didn't seem to get fatter after eating a little cookie dough the first or second night so I decided that cookie dough is indeed part of the Perricone diet....until tonight. Never eat more than 2 squares of pre-made cookie dough. You get a sickness in the stomach that has no end. A part of you is scared because you don't really know how to cook fish and don't know if it was spoiled and dont know if it was bad to only pay $1.99 for a filet of salmon, but the other part of you wonders if it was the combination of cookie dough and salmon and then the other part wonders if this is the real reason you should actually cook the cookies. If I go on the raw diet will raw cookie dough be a part of it?
Anyways, this diet is supposed to make you look 10 years younger. Now, I doubt that it will make me look 16.....but wouldnt it be funny if diets claimed that they made you "feel" 10 years younger instead of "look" 10 years younger? That would be awesome. All the sudden I have really bad grammer, I can't drive anywhere, I hate everyone and everything, wear really baggy clothes, sometimes wear my dad's clothes because he has an old embroidered shirt that says "Steve" on it.....I start smoking pot and ciggarettes and drinking and pulling bongs......Im really like totally into the dead again and feel the music...This diet rocks....pass the cookie dough.

The Family Stoned

2006-01-16T22:21:00.000-06:00

Has anyone seen this movie? It sucks. No offense Sarah Jessica Parker. Not that you care about my opinion but exchange you with Ben Stiller and you get Meet the Parents. Thank god for alcohol otherwise I would have left the theatre early. There is nothing better than adding fake cocktails to mediocre acting and shitty writing with no plot to make it all come together oh so smoothly. Here is something else that sucks. Loosing your phone. I lost my phone Saturday night and woke up Sunday morning feeling lost and alone. What the fuck am I supposed to do? It's not like I can call my phone. The only thing I thought of was texting my phone from the internet. "Phone where are you?" Now at the time it seemed like a pretty stupid yet personally amuzing thing to do but low and behold my phone magically emailed me five hours later. "I'm at Estelles" I shit you not. This actually happend. Phone, you so crazy!

Jamie V Jude

2006-01-12T18:00:00.000-06:00

Let's face it. If you took Jamie and made him not go near a shower for a few days, or get a hair cut for three or four months....put him in a tux and took him by the top of his skull and stretched him out another 5 inches or so and the starved him a little bit...maybe threw him in the sun for a couple of days .........you might get Jude Law.
If you took Jude law, made him sit in front of a computer ten hours a day, hit him over the head with a sledge hammer until he shortened up a but, gave him a good shave and a nice hair cut and put him in a polo you may get Jamie. It's actually very very simple.
The differences that you do not see that I am delighted to share with you is that Jude law is not circumsized, while Jamie is. If you would like a picture of Jude Law and his un-circumsized member please contact me and I would happily provide you with a color photograph.

Dear Old Bags,

2006-01-11T18:26:00.000-06:00

One of you has treated me well, carried a lot of my stuff around, taken my abuse, while the other is just old and crude. I had to give one of you up when your zipper failed to zip over and over and over again. I just can't have my life exposed like that, I'm sorry it's not you, it's really for other people sake, I don't want anyone to know that I need a huge bowling ball size bag to carry all this shit around:
tampons
licorice
toothpicks
address book
small hand held pistol
blank little book to write down funny things in numerical order
quiz master
hair net
toothbrush
hair gel
cheese
cell phone
keys
machetti
flatware
Anyways...I dont want people to know about my personal items. So old bag #1 you have been replaced.
Another thing I don't want anyone to know is how I despise YOU, old bag. (The other one) You came into my store on a Tueday about ten minutes before closing complaining that you had been calling and calling for directions and nobody would return your phone call. Well, first of all that is not my fault, are you sure you dialed the right number old bag?? Are you sure you called during actual store hours and not 6am when you rise every day? Are you sure that you remembered to pay your phone bill, after all you are an old bag.
After I kindly and politely ignored your complaints and checked you out and then you proceeded to ask me for more directions. Did you not find the place? I see you right there in front of me...old bag.....what more could you ask for? Just retrace your steps. "ITS TOO LATE TO TAKE THE HIGHWAY!!" you screached at me. "IF I TAKE THIS ROAD WILL IT END UP BY THE LAKE?" Well, old bag of course you will end up by the lake, I am sure that you have lived here long enough to remember that any residence north of roosevelt is west of the lake meaning YES, if you go east you will end up at the lake. What I really said was "(chuckle chuckle) yes, if you go east you will end up by the lake" Old bag senses my sarcasm and yells back at me "What about this street! Can I get on LSD from here??" "I don't know old bag, go east and find out, if it doesnt, take a left and find a street that does" "YOU DONT KNOW?? HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW?? WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU YOU ARE NO HELP MY GOD" (she really said this to me) "Well, I don't ever drive around these parts" WELL THATS RIDICULOUS" Ok, enough of you, Good bye old bag, I hope you get lost on your way home. Don't forget to pay your phone bill.
Anywho, I like to say that I will have many fond memories of you old bag with your big straps and your constant strain on my shoulder, while you purple hair old bag will always stick in my memory as the oldest stinkiest bag I have ever met. Who pays $700 for ten plates from Italy and bitches about me not knowing if Armitage has a fucking exit on LSD? Your wrinkles make you look like a prune old bag, go home and pee in a diaper.

Top Gun VS. Saturday Night Fever/Stayin' Alive

2005-12-27T14:00:00.000-06:00

These movies are really not that different. Tom Cruise or "Maverick" and John Travolta or "Tony" are both rebells but are good at one thing, flying and dancing. People doubt Mav's capabilities because he killed his best friend flying friend Goose and people hate Tony because he's a slummin delinquant from Bay Ridge and has trouble speaking properly. They both go after women that are out of thier leauges but sometimes get lucky in the bedroom because of their bad boy capabilities. Kelly McGillis or "Charlie" is way to good for the Mav, but she is hard up for some fast fighter pilot sex at her little beach bungalow. They have no real relationship but they like to fuck because it's against the official rules that are made perfectly clear in the official rule handbook of Top Gun. Their high maintenence office romance is the most redundant uneventful relationship on screen, which is right up there with Tony and Stephanie Magano. Charlie and Mav have three conversations in the entire movie, two of which they repeated the same things they said at the begining of the movie; "This is going to be complicated" and the other which was some shitty methaphore about crashing and burning. They have like three arguments about nothing and then make blue love in the middle of the movie. Way too much tounge for my taste. Stephanie and Tony just bitch and moan at each other like a brother and sister fighting over the same toy. The greatest thing about their relationship is that Stephanie is a secretary in an office in Manhattan and she acts like she is fucking gods gift to professional working women, she uses this against Tony and the fact that she took one night class at the community college really made Tony feel like a first class sewer rat. Tony shows her some sweet ass dance moves and looks deep into her eyes and it makes her feel vunerable. I think I need to know more about Stephanie and her history, family and relationship history that is. I feel like her father or boyfriend must of abandond her...you know fucked her up in the head a little bit.
ANYWAYS
my point: these movies are the same, and yes I know many many many movies are the same but these two are funny...and typical but still funny and a little entertaining. Everyone is doubting Mav and Tony....Ice Man basically says to Mav you suck and I dont want you to kill me but Mav comes back in the end, saving the day by killing enemies in the air. Not only does he save the day but he is labled a national american hero and when they say what are you going to do now he answers, not with "I am going to Disney World" or "Continue protecting and serving our country" but "I was thinking about becoming a teacher!" Isn't that fucking sweet?? I think so.
Tony doesn't really get to redeem himself in Saturday Night Fever. Instead of taking the dance trophey and $500 that he won and just be gratefull and proud he goes crazy and thinks everyone is racisit and the Mexicans should have won but didn't because he pulls rank at 2001. He fucks up there and then pulls Stephanie into the back seat of his friends car and tries to rape her. Bad move Tony. After she runs away crying they go back to the Brooklyn bridge (popular hangout) his friend "accidentally" plummets to his death while attempting acrobatic moves. Well that put a damper on things...he makes up with Stephanie and then the movie ends. The only reason there was a sequal to this movie was so Tony could be a hero eventually. In Stayin' Alive he has took a turn in his life, he moved out of his parents house, he stopped drinking and most of all he stopped swearing. People still think he is a piece of shit and advantage of him the entier movie but really tells everyone off in the last scene where he started doing all of these crazy dance moves in a dance production where he was a back up dancer. He steals the show and the movie ends, now he is a hero and hopefully they wont have to make another movie.
My point: Many movies are alike but talking about Top Gun and Saturday Night Fever is fun for me.

A few questions and comments that have nothing to do with one another

2005-12-26T16:32:00.000-06:00

This season I have one question. If we did not have a "new year"... every year (january 1) would we look back and review? If time was just continuous as it is and we did not measure it in years I dont think we would give a fuck about the past. There would be no year in review shows on The Today Show, VH1, or CNN....we would forget all the good and bad things that happend around the world that have nothing to do with us. This is not good. I think the government or some crazy fucked up organization somewhere created this "new year" for the follwing reasons.
1. It is a chance for "new hope"
2. It is a chance for people to change with "resolutions"
3. It is a chance for people to set some goals. My goal this year is to get a pet fish, get a raise and free health insurance, not get pregnant and meet someone who owns a nice boat for the summer months.
4. Recognize how much things have "changed" This makes us appreciate life and our time in it. (it does, really it does.)
5. Wonder why Kelly and Brandon didn't get married that one day so many years ago in 90210.

This governement or organization that designed this "new year" really had our best interests at heart. I appreciate them, whoever they are. If I ever have any anxieties about time and life I think it is tamed down a bit by the definition of past, present and future. So RISE UP!!! and lets rejoice!!....no im kidding....I thought it would funny to get a little preachy again but my fears that it would not come across as a complete joke made me stop.

There are a few other things that have been crossing my mind latley. Like how the show "My Two Dads" was way ahead of it's time. I mean way ahead of it's time. I don't understand why E! isn't doing documentaries with the cast/characters/writers of this hot early 90's way ahead of it's time hot hot hot hit of a TV show.

This year I actually traveled over the river and through the woods to visit grandma for christmas. Or for a more modern up to date version of that song, over the river, past the pivots, through the drive-thru and down the dirt road. I have driven by these middle of nowhere towns a few times but never actually stopped and spent the night in one of them. We visited a farm and a bar called the "Knotty Pine" but everyone calles it the "Hut" and when you walk in everyone stares at you, watches you get a drink and doesnt look away until you have a seat or they figure out who you are, whatever comes first. I was taken down the "main street" which is conveiniently called "main street" Grandma was baking pumpkin pie and showed me her quilts and there was an aunt who was making a roast and there was enough beer to go around, everwhere you went. Grandmas, the neighboors, the hut, probrably church, down main street, at the farm and at home. Nobody locks thier doors or takes thier car keys with them and I had my chance at getting a new car while the entire town was at church. Apparently that is frowned upon. Im not gonna lie, it was a good time. But it did make me wonder what I would do if I lived in Petersburg Nebraska. The only logical solution was alcohol.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

What square would you be?

2005-12-06T23:50:00.000-06:00

I am funnier than Adam Corolla. I mean, Adam...he is a succesfull guy. I think he's probrably had something like ten tv shows in the past decade. Various projects that all kind of revolve around his mediocre comedy that when you come down to it is just him going on complaining about random topics. He will select something and then go off on it. Like tonight one of the subjects was trail mix and how we the public have been fooled into thinking that it is somewhat of a healthy snack that we need for energy....he then went on to explain that it is just a mix of crap and it does nothing but confuse our tastebuds. This led to another stint about how basically all snack mixes suck and they are all just bags of crap thrown together for us stupid people to feast upon. Wait, did I mention that this was during his show in which he supposidly remodeling this craptastic house so he can make a million off of it trying to sell it and in the meantime make more money off the Lifetime network by showing shitty footage of him going off about snack mix and a handfull of lazy people who either don't want to be a part of this show or actually don't know how to build shit. Conversations go on for minutes like "What do you want me to work on?" "I don't know, just keep working." "But, give me something to do, what do you want me to do?" "I want you to get to work and keep working." "What work?" "The work that you have been working on".....URG! AND the secret premise of this entire show is to show the viewers at home (if there are any) that Adam Corolla is way to busy to help build the house but he can afford to remodle it. There are at least three scenes in every show where Adam talks about how he is late for this other talk show that he is filming or this special guest he is appearing as or his haircut appointment or something. I have seen him drive away in one of those Honday 3X000 like ten times waving "Bye Bye, don't eat too much trail mix"
First of all his jokes remind me of things I used to think of back in high school while simotaneously playing the bongos, pulling bongs, and driking Red Dog....."Why is Eddie Vedder so depresed?"..."Is the dark side of the moon really dark or is it dark because we can't see it?".....followed by "What are they saying in that song Blinded by the light?"
Sidenote: I am currently trying to find the name of the guy that Adam Corolla reminds me of. He only reminds me of him in a certain equation. This guy (who I can't remember his name at the moment) + a dime bag of weed = Adam Corolla. The thing is that this is a well known celebrity but I can't remember his name. The only thing I can remember is that he appeared as a guest on Hollywood Squares many a times. So....I go to IMDB.com to look for his name in the cast of Hollywood Squares. Let me tell you, this is some crazy mothafuckin InternetMovieDataBase.....they have every guest on the new version of Hollywood Squares..aka H2..... day by day, week by week and year by year. Most importatly they inform you who was the "center square" because I know that all of you really want to know who was center square on Septerber 30th 2003. It was Martin Mull. Is this show even still on the air? I remember hearing my sister say "I like Hollywood Squares" and I took a vow that second to never watch that show ever...of course Stacie, you would love that show, you are a s-q-u-a-r-e....but of course not "center square"

A Measure of Time

2005-11-25T20:19:00.000-06:00

Instead of hours and days....weeks and months...years and decades..... I like to measure my happenings in a different way. I like to take something say a movie...maybe a restraunt, possibly a song and just compare it to what was going on the last time I heard that song or saw that movie and ate and that restraunt. Not only does this insure that you recognize the passing of time but you also appreciate the natural evolvement of your life. Its 2005, it just snowed, my throat hurts a little and I just ate a great helping of Pad Tai with Bassett. What this means is that last time it snowed I was stuck in my apartment with my boyfriend and friend, our cars were snowed in so much we couldnt go anywhere so we had to walk to Osco for food because the pizza delivery guy didnt show up. It also tells me that last winter I had an intense illness that would not go away for four months and that Cozy noodle place is fast but really not that good and also overpriced.....It's kina like 6 degrees of seperation but instead of Kevin Bacon you have food and music...maybe Pizza and David Bowie, or Bob Dylan and the Beatles with a side of Cheeseborger. But Im not sure what kind of music you like or what food you eat or which movies you watch so I can't possibly metaphorically paint that picture for you, but you get the idea. What amazes me about certain things is that all of these things trigger different reactions and different times in your life. November 25th, 2005 will forever be the same in my book....but Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind isn't sad to me today, it's just kinda eerie and neat to see Jim Carrey in a role that isnt overly cooky and annoying but still kinda secretly lovable and funny.

So, another thing I realized is that it is quite possbile that the commercials for RENT have secrelty seeped into my subconcious....."5,00795689059809856 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year??....." does that sound familiar? Well, I have never seen the play or the movie and do not desire or plan to, but the talented people and production of RENT do have a good point. And I guess I am ansering their question....well you asked, here it is Rosario......I am telling you exactly how I measure a year....and I dont' do it with incriments of time.

Will the joke "I have a girlfriend, she lives in Canada ever get old?
and
Will anyone ever understand or get my comment "Is that an eastern thing?"

What I am thinking at 5 AM that prevents me from sleeping

2005-11-20T05:13:00.000-06:00

Why am I awake? I went out for some drinks last night so it is understandable to wake up in the middle of the night because you're thirsty or need to open a window for some fresh air but this is absolutley ridiculous. It's been about two and a half hours....sonofabitch I just accidentally erased about everything I just wrote, stupid laptop touch pad, it's so over sensitive!! It's like a little high school girl after a bad first date. Let's see where was I. Oh, I was writing about how I can't sleep and I have thought about everything that is possible to think about. It started with ...I hope I didn't say any drunked stupid remarks last night that I will have to feel guilty about for a week until I say something else stupid....to....what my first actualy memory was...which I am not really sure. It is a tie between the song Sugar Pie Honey Bunch and trying to give these old people a ride home in the pooring rain. Or maybe that is the same memory. This part of my life always made me wonder. I know for a fact that this was the first time I realized people judged one another...and I'm not sure at what age you are concious of what other people think. But this I think is my first memory and my first memory of being judged. I was with my dad and we just finished eating pizza(surprise). We were at Edwardos. They have fantastic thin crust. Anyway, this part is blurry but we somehow met this really old couple there and just shared a few words quickly. They left before we did and by the time we left it started pouring rain, really really hard. So we start driving and we see this really old couple walking in the rain. So my dad pulls over and offers them a ride and they kindly refuse. I didn't really get this. I mean, I know you're not supposed to take ride from strangers but what is a guy that drives a 82 oldsmobile station wagon formerly known as "the silver bullet" with a 5 year old little girl really going to do to you? "Hey Meg, let's pick up these old folks, drive em home and then when they are getting out of the car I will pretend to help them but really hold there hands behind thier back and you take thier wallets, oh and take thier fake teeth to, Im sure we can get something for those." Who says no. Afterwards it was forgotten but that is when Sugar Pie Honey Bunch came on the radio....see what Im talking about, why am I thinking about this shit. After thinking about work for a while I started thinking about emails I have to respond to. One which was a reply from my mom and my aunt. I sent them an email last weekend telling them my theory about Ellen Pompeo from Greys Anatomy. My theory was that when I imagine my mom as a young person this is the lady that she makes me think she looked like. And this only happend recently because I just learned of said actress. Both my mom and my aunt replied "I can see why you would think that because they(I) have similar features but your mom (I) was much prettier than that." Which makes me laugh and also feel like I really got gipped in the looks department. I mean, if my mom was hotter than a really pretty actress in Hollywood and my dad was this hoodlum punk from the city who probrably wore a white T-shirt and a leather jacket in the 70's, or wait, no I think he was more John Travolta in the 70's....I think I know where most of my looks came from. But you know what, fuck that because I have a kick ass state of the art Harry Potter scar drapped over my forehead that you can't miss. Take that hot mom and ugly dad! Moral of the story: procreate with people who are as equally ugly or pretty as you so your kids don't resent you.
The next email I wanted to write was regarding new years eve and how I want people that I know to go the the New Years Eve party at Murphs like last year. Which made me think about how fun last year was until psycho ex-bf showed up stalker style and caused a huge scene. Which was repeated three months later last year. Which made me think that there is a small percentage, I think I decided on %15 that I think psycho would come back and try to inflict physical harm to me. I decided he would have a knife instead of a gun for some reason because I think if he was going to stab me it would be quietly and discretly and somewhere where he could watch me be in a lot of pain. That is where I concluded that I wouldnt let my paranoia at 5 AM prevent me from going to a New Years Eve party, I would just have to make sure that I have a bathroom buddy each time I go to the washroom....problem solved.
I thought about eating some cereal but I decided a week ago that just because I go out and drink once a week doesn't mean that the following day can be a eat until you want to vomit food fest. For some reason every time alcohol enters my body 10 hours later the only thing that can make me feel any better is some yummy yummy comfort food. This is where the eating carrots and apples and soup all week in order to fit into my pre-graduatory clothes goes right down the sewer pipe. Where are you self control?? I think you are at the bottom of either the 2 buck chuck (which is really 4 buck chuck in Chicago) or in the basement of Ceasars The Killer Margaritas Baja Cantina.
Speaking of Baja Cantinas I think I have to meet some old "friends" of mine that I once knew when I was a drifting nomad in the depths of hell in PHX AZ. This makes me nervous for many many reasons. 1. I don't remember how or why we are friends in the first place because I don't remember doing anything in AZ accept drinking and wanting to drink so I could forgot where I lived and what I was doing with my life which was nothing but wasting time and dying my hair darker and then watching it go blonde from the blinding sun which I tried to avoid the best I could 24 hours a day. Thats right, the sun does not set there. Woo, If I put that sentence into Microsoft Word I bet it would be all red and full of run-ons and fragments. But guess what? Im not in 7th or 6th grade anymore so fuck you Mrs. (I use too much hairspray) Buckheim and Mrs. Dessner. I really liked Mrs. D, she was nice to me and had a funny accent. Anyways....ok number 2. I hate having to update people on my life...and it's not just old friends it's everyone, including grandma and grandpa...and they are the trickiest because they forget about 5 seconds after you tell them everything......please don't ask me where I live, what I've been up to, what's new and what I do for a living and then follow up with, that's cool, do you like it? are you going to marry your boyfriend? how long did that take to heal? what phone plan do you have? and I hope the trial goes well and they find you not guilty. Number 3. There are pretty much a million reasons and Im just going to stop here.
I wonder if I can turn on the tv and eat some cereal. I bet Sunday morning cartoons are about to start.
If I ever did cocaine I imagine my thought process might be something similar to this. Maybe not exactly the same thoughts because I imagine I would think about why I did Cocaine and if I will want more and what my life as a cocaine drug addict would be like and if it would involve some sort of sex drug trade and if I could actually go through with that...but I guess that would just be a testimony for my love of cocaine......but It is similar or I think it would be similar because of the speed at which I am thinking right now. I am not like most people. I am relaxed from the inside out. I do not think quicker than I act. Each think I say and do is carefully thought through and mentally processed at the spped at which I inted to do it which is always slowly and safely. I am in no hurry. But for some reason my mind is in a hurry right now and I think I know who to blame. Ill give you one guess and I'ts not cocaine because I have already stated that I have never done cocaine, it is Starbucks....which I guess is somewhat equivalent to Cocaine. Not only to I loathe Starbucks I can't stand the fact that they are always there for me and when I have limited choices in life I always have the one choice which is to go to Starbucks and order something that is just going to make me come back and order something else again in approximatly 24-48 hours. So I stopped drinking coffee last spring for a number of reasons...but I since then I have regained controll over my life. Now since I somehow lost controll over my professional life and am forced to work 7 days a week I also lost controll over my endless love for coffee and my willingness to refuse it......which brings us to 3pm yesturday when I go to Startbucks and they treat me like the scum of the earth and I give them all my money and they give my drugs in the form of a tasty liqified sugary treat with a side of un-cooked reduced fat bluberry coffee cake which I am sure has drugs in it too....which brings me to why I think I am wide awake 15 hours later.

Soup

2005-11-14T18:30:00.000-06:00

Why is soup so expensive? Seriously think about it. We are a part of a scam that has been going on for way too long. We need to stop the insanity. Is there a place that I am unaware of where soup costs less than $3.00? Just a simple can of soup. I know that those "just add your own water" soups are less expenive but come on, water? They can't spare some water??? What a rip off. Soup used to be the bottom of the food chain. It was used to feed the homeless and needy because it was afordable and tastes really good hot. You can make it with leftover anything.....if it's runny you call it soup, if it's really thick you call it stew, and if it's inbetween you call it stoup. If I ate some chicken for dinner all I would have to do it take the leftovers, add some water, maybe a boulon cube....throw in some more leftover crap and there, presto! Soup. Remember that episode of Saved by the Bell when Zach and his crew started bottling and selling spaghetti sauce? I need to go back to high school, get a conveyor belt, steal some beakers from the science lab and make some lables in the computer lab.....put it all together and I have soup. I will take my soup and charge $4.99 for it and call it "Select" What I wont tell people is that "select" really means that I have selected about nine or ten random foods and condiments from my fridgerator and the fridge at work, maybe a few things from the teachers lounge or a garbadge can and dumped it all into one bucket added 95% water and made some delicious soup. I will call it something where you can't ask what the ingredients are like; "Minestrone" or "Italian Wedding." This 25 gallon container of yummy yummy good in your tummy soup that I will seperate into roughly 150, 16oz. cans of soup will be shipped all over the world. If you live in Hawaii, Canada, or Alaska the least amount I will charge you is $8.99 a can. If you live in Australia I will charge you $25.00 a can. This is because you live really far away from my importing/exporting soup factory and also because your Australian dollar is wimpy.

Soup is too expensive. I spend about $20 a week on soup. SOUP! IT'S SOUP!!!! That is $80 a month spent on soup. I am going to make my own soup from now on. Thank you.

Please send all of your leftovers to me so I can make soup.

General Questions

2005-11-13T18:50:00.000-06:00

Are there carrots in carrot cake?
Why are the Bears wearing those really ugly orange jerseys?
Speaking of jersey, why does it take four hours to get anywhere in NYC? I must say it is nice that there are many options for transportation in the area, but what does that matter when it takes four hours to get anywhere??? FOUR HOURS....thats longer than a three hour tour.
I know that Chuck Klosterman just came out with a book but when is his next one due?
What do boys do with all of thier ex-girlfriend memorabilia?
Is the Reverand Run DMC really a reverand?
How cool is it that Madonna sampled ABBA on her new album. Now, I don't really care about Madonna's music but I do in fact care a lot about ABBA. And it doesn't stop there, I love all disco. Barbara Streisand just got back with whats his face and cut a new album.....I have a feeling like all trends that Disco is about to drop once again. I knew that orange fringe outfit my mom saved from the 70's would come in handy one day....so my question is, when can I wear my orange fringe dress?

My Theory About Marshmallows

2005-10-11T12:22:00.000-05:00

One day long, long ago in a far away land...Marshmallows were discovered. It was a great discovery, many people were enthralled by the white squishy spongy treat.
Then they tasted it.

"This is THE most disgusting thing that has ever entered my mouth!" said one.

"This tastes like garbage all glued together" said another.

"I have no money for food and have no eaten anything in two weeks and I would rather starve to death than eat another marshmallow" said little Timmy.

After everyone realized how much marshmallows such they decided to do a test to see if there was any nutritional value in marshmallows.

"There is no nutritional value, or purpose for marshmallows in any way shape or form."

So, everyone came to the conclusion that not only do marshmallows suck but they serve no purpose so they all decided to burn all the marshmallows.

"BURN BURN BURN" everyone chanted

Then all of the sudden, instead of smelling like glue and sugar it smelled like yummy campfire memories that make your stomach growl.
One single marshmallow rolled from the blaze and burned out.
"I will taste it!" said little Timmy
Everyone thought he waste crazy but the smile on his face after he consumed the yummy goodness changed everyone's mind.
"That was good, feed me more now"

And that is my theory of marshmallows.....bad at first, but then you burn the hell out of them and they are somewhat edible, at least to a starving child.

Never roll the dice when you're playing cards

2005-10-07T09:25:00.000-05:00

What are the chances? I have won consistently by a very large margin at schnerts for the past five months or so. Beating Jamie over and over and over again made me pretty confident that I could beat him one more time.

Wednesday night: Card night
Game: Schnerts!
Steaks: First person to hit 150 gets to name our first love child

I was so over confident I even gave Jamie 30 points. "sure take 30 points, I don't care this is in the bag.
I am so stupid.
Half way through the game we change the bet from 30 points to straight-up.
Last hand the score was 149 to 148.
Jamie kicks my ass.

After many tears and lots and lots and lots of denial I would like to inform you that my unborn futuristic love child will be named Seven. I guess we are not exactly sure of the spelling; "7" "S37en" "Sevin" Who the fuck knows. That is the stupidest fucked up name I have ever heard. Right up there with Apple and Moon Unit. My unborn kid hates me already.

for the sake of the commoners please stop your thought provoking conversation

2005-09-29T22:41:00.000-05:00

Setting: Coffee House
Time: Mid-Afternoon (perfect time to pick up a reduced fat Splenda scone and half-caff-mocha-latte, which is also made with Splenda)
Premise: Two collegiate Uni-brow wearing laptop carrying geeks who read too much poetry because they think that reading between the lines is some sort of art form talk about religion.

This stupid situation is virtually everywhere. You may need to replace the topic of religion with either "politics" "literature" and of course, as we all know my least favorite "art" ...more importantly my LEAST LEAST favorite, film. Anyways there are at least two people and always at least one person who has no clue what the fuck they are talking about. If there are more than two people this ratio increases, always in favor of the imbecile. There is one person sitting there thinking the same exact thing that I am thinking which is either "please stop talking and playing with your post-high school graduate new found collegiate I am insightful beard." OR " Are you going to finish that ½ reduced fat crumble cake with fat free sugar free carob sprinkles?"
My point is that when people discuss these "cultural" and "worldly" and "historic" topics that have shaped the world and the human race it is more irritating than having to have to live the rest of your life with one hand tied behind your back, or maybe just as annoying as living the rest of your life with a really bad taste in your mouth, the taste being the taste you have right after you finish eating a combination of bologna, really garlicky garlic bread and grass. There is no point to having this conversation. If you are stuck listening to this drivel you might hear something like this;

"I think that Christians today are focusing more on traditional form of religion and bridging new found traditions and values marked by the community and government to build a new found wave of post-modern western non-biased continuity within the church."

"I feel that the contrast between gray and white is the directors focus throughout the entire film. It is obvious that the angle of the camera coincides with the actors pain and anguish, we are to feel gray and white, just as he is to feel crooked and watched. He is in pain because we are holding on to every word he produces from his enlarged mouth that is projected onto a screen. It is a very powerful and controversial film that imitates film imitating life imitating reality, and the most amazing thing about the film is that the reality at that moment is the viewer existing through film. Even though you are not "in" the movie, you "are" the movie.

"The problem with the war today is that to actually beat "the war on terror" there had to be an actual war. Before we invaded Iraq there were people and terrorists that were real but there was no way to conquer that, no place to actually go and make them stop being terrorist" (this was actually said to me)

Facts about this post:

1. I was very hungry when I wrote it so I just stopped in the middle of it to go get some food.

2. One of my little made up rules I have for myself when I write is "to make things more interesting put 1/4 of all words in "quotes"

Sorry to cut the facts short, I have to go shave my boyfriends neck.

Normfolk Awards

2005-09-20T11:35:00.000-05:00

People deserve to be awarded for their accomplishments....We all see movie stars get all glammed up for the emmys, the oscars the peoples choice awards, the teen choice awards, the tv guide awards....my god..and on top of that there are serioulsy about 12,000 other award shows for the movie/tv industry that aren't even televised. WTF, no wait, who cares. My point is that we should have a normal people awards show. Why shouldn't us plain folk get some recognation once in a while? These are the categories I would like to include at my "Normfolk Awards"

-Best use of spare time
-Best use of negativity and criticism
-Best "special talent" kind of like stupid pet tricks but for humans like when Molly Ringwald but lipstick on using her cleavage
-Most random job category...see if you can outbeat the normfolk by the odd jobs you have carried throughout your post-college career. Quantity counts.
-Furthest from the degree...I want to know who had the most random degree and what they actually ended up doing...I want to see an anthropology major who ended up being a bee keeper...I want to see a pre-vet student who didn't make it and ended up working security at a museum.
-Best use of rationalization...I want to hear the person who doesn't use excuses, but takes it a step further and convinces themselves as well as everyone around them that what they are doing is the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it. If you can convince yourself and your friends that it is a wise idea to get a car title loan so you can invest in a metal detector and work the shores for a year before you get a real job in the real world more power to you...but I know people can do better than that.
-Best use of "This one time back in college we were so wasted and...." stories. If there is ever a situation where this was useful I believe you deserve an award
-Best lie told to a lawful authority to get out of a ticket or felony of some sort.
-I want to know someone who made the most of the cash in their pocket, it must be a limited amount of money and who did the most with it....that takes a creative person.

There should be more....Please donate a category to the Normfolk fund

2005-09-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

Bondage Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-09-13T10:39:00.000-05:00

Power Rangers Movie!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Nobody writes....

2005-09-13T07:59:00.000-05:00

You're right, nobody writes. I'll rap on for a minute.

Here is a conversation that I heard in the Banana Republic dressing room on Saturday;

Boy: "How did it work out, did you like it?"
Girl: "No, the skirt didn't look good, it had a seem in a bad place and made me look really hippy"
Boy: "Is that bad?"
(I look at girl and we both start laughing and turn and look at boy)
(Boy has confused look on his face)

I would also like to add that Broken Flowers was one of the stupidest and pointless movies that I have ever seen. It was like The Postman Although I have no right to make that comparison as I have never actually seen The Postman but I feel that I have heard so many people bitch about it that I have somewhat of an idea of why it is a shitty movie. There are a few reasons why Broken Flowers is so horrible, please let me elaborate.

First of all let me tell you my theory on how this movie was spawned. I feel like the director and writer got together smoked a spliff or two went down to the movies a couple of years ago and saw Lost in Translation. Somewhere in between eating too much popcorn and JuJu Bees and having a post movie discussion over coffee and a local IHOP they decided that the reason why that movie was so effective is because of it's simplistic beauty. Which I do not believe is entirely the case, just the crunchy outer layer that tastes really good. From that they went onto taking a crappy idea (a womanizer that has no life that is being fucked with by a woman he once screwed over) and tried to change it into this work of art. Lemme tell you something. The music is not symbolic, the naked 14 year old is no symbolic, the pink is not symbolic nor are the basketball hoops. Putting all these things together in a salad bowl and mixing them in with Bill Murray does not make Lost in Translation, it does not make it an artistic time piece about old aged bachelors and their loneliness and it does not make entertainment for me and you.

I don't know what bugs me more, the fact that I had to go sit through this piece o' shit or the fact that those stupid film geeks on NPR discussed this movie for about two hours and how it's "effectiveness" raises "controversy" and "points" about "men in society" "today." Blah.

Another thing that I hate is when people talk about art. This is why I will never consider myself as any type of artist because I think when it all comes down to it I actually hate art. Even though I am technically creating something new caused by an initial goal that is twisted and turned with thought and consideration it is not art. It is the same thing as writing a paper or even a freaking email. I hate art. I hate when people sit for three hours and talk about one thing. "Oh, look at how the light hit's the back forcept of that bronze sculpture" Fuck you. It is so pointless, it is a debate about nothing because it's all based on opinion with a side of obviousness. And that doesn't matter because I don't want to hear your opinion on "Broken Flowers" and I don't want to hear your opinion on "how cave art influenced the Greeks" or "how straight photographers spawned a new generation of photography that changed the world during the great depression" And ok, it's not that I don't want to hear your opinion it's that I don't want you to talk about it with me. Why can't you just say simple things; "I disliked that film" that's so much better than listening to you go off like I just did in the previous paragraph.

I would also like to add that when I spell checked this document the word "womanizer" came up and it suggested I relplace it with "homemaker"

Conversation

2005-09-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

Megan: "Do they have Steinmarts in Omaha?"
Jamie: "Steinmarts, what are those again?"
Megan: "I think it's like a Target, but I'm not sure"
Jamie: "OOOhhh, those... aren't those the stores that sell beer steins only?"

There's no place like home

2005-08-30T09:54:00.000-05:00

And after I take those red ruby slippers I'll get your little dog too!

X time

2005-08-30T08:03:00.000-05:00

Because I have X amount of time at work and X amount of time at home I spend X amount of time researching various things. I have narrowed what I spend most X amount of time doing and thought I would share it with you.
Dictionary.com
I find this website fascinating. It is so simple and gives me answers to most of my questions. I think my biggest question I always have is "What does that mean?" Which usually pertains to something in particular and I feel that this link satisfies my need for "The act or process of stating a precise meaning or significance; formulation of a meaning." I feel great.

Word of the Day for Tuesday August 30, 2005
evanescent \ev-uh-NES-uhnt\, adjective:Liable to vanish or pass away like vapor; fleeting.
Remember that shitty band evanescent? Well, there you go. See how much smarter you are now.

imdb.com The greatest way to waste time. Aren't you curious as to what happened to people like Chris O'Donnel? He is starring in a new TV series "Head Cases"

Wonder where Wonder woman has been? Well, I want you to know that there will be a new Wonder Woman coming out in 07. The real Wonder Woman Linda Carter is still in lots of movies, which I thought that she has totally fallen off the face of the planted but that is just not true. Did you know she was born in Phoenix. That explains her super human powers, I bet she was stuck in some highway-melt-down with gasoline or green goo. I'm sure if I read to comic I might actually know why she has super human strength. Or is the message more simple: all women have super human powers.

This: "The Tulse Luper Suitcases, Part 1: The Moab Story" was the last movie Molly Ringwald starred in.

Did you know that William George Zane Jr., better known as Billy Zane, was born on February 24, 1966, in Chicago, Illinois, USA to parents William George Zane Sr. and Thalia Zane. Both of his parents ran a medical technical school. Billy also has a sister named Lisa, an actress born in 1961. The first movie he was ever in was Back to the Future.

Now, I don't know why I visit this place every day. I think that is just how bored I am. To make myself feel a little better about how I spend my time I would like all you to know that I am reading a book.

Questoinare

2005-08-27T14:30:00.000-05:00

1. Who is going to watch football with us every weekend?

2. If you could be one article of clothing that someone would wear what would it be?

3. What was your first word?

4. What is a good insult name for someone that I can use on a regular basis?

Schnerts!

2005-08-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

How to set up the game:

Each player gets one deck of cards. Make sure that each deck looks different from one another. Take your deck and shuffle very well. Then make one pile of (13) cards. Have the top card face up. This is called your SHNERTS pile. Then place (4) cards face up to the left of your SHNERTS pile. The rest of the deck remains in your hand.

What each pile of cards is used for/means:

The (13) card pile or SHNERTS pile are the cards you want to get rid of. They are the cards that when you rid of all of them you yell SHNERTS! and the game is over. The four cards next to your SHNERTS pile are the cards that you play off of. You place cards on them in descending order re-black-red-black and so on and so forth. (just like solitaire) These four cards always remain in four piles. The remaining cards in your hand are the cards that you flip over three at a time. You could one-two-three and flip the third card over the third card can then be placed either on the four cards in front of you or in the middle of the board.

The middle of the board:

The middle of the board is where all SHNERTS players play together. The cards in the middle are suited and go in order from Ace to King. When you see and Ace you automatically put it in the middle of the board. Say you have an Ace of Hearts, you place it in the middle of the board. Then your opponent has a tow of Hearts so they would place it on the Ace, then someone else has a three of Hearts and they place it on the two....so on and so forth. Just like in solitaire when you place your Aces and build off of them.

What you do during play:

When you are playing you first start out by seeing if you can put your SHNERTS card anywhere. Anywhere being in the middle of the board or on any of your four card piles. Let's say you have an Ace of Spades, so you would place it in the middle of the board and then flip the next SHNERTS card over, seeing if that card can be placed anywhere. After you cannot move your SHNERTS pile you then proceed to the rest of your cards in your hand (the remainder of your deck) You will flip the cards over three at at time and then see if the third card can be placed anywhere. Let's say it is a five of Hearts. You then check the middle of the board to see if there is a four of hearts to place it on. There isn't, so then you look to see if you can place it on any of the four piles in front of you. You see and black six so you place the five on top of it. (remember: the four piles in front of you move in descending order red to black) So, after you have placed your red five of hearts on your black six you can see the card below it and thats good, you repeat what you have done. You see if the card can be played in the middle of the board and if you can place it there, if you can't see if it can be played in any of the four piles in front of you. If you can play it, if you can't take the deck in your hand, flip 3 more cards over and go through everything all over again. The four piles in front of you will constantly change, sometimes they can be placed on one another, when this happens and you have only three piles take a SHNERTS card and make a new pile with that card. You always want to have four piles in front of you. This helps to get cards ready for the middle of the board. While you place cards from the deck in your hand to the middle of the board or the four piles in front of you, you can also move cards from the four piles in front of you to the middle of the board. So during the entire game you are moving cards from your SHNERTS pile, your four card pile and the deck in your hand to the middle of the board. Remember while you are doing this, everyone else is also doing this so the cards in the middle of the board consistently change. Remember to always be conscious of your SHNERTS card because those are the cards you need to get rid of. Once you get the system down it becomes easy as cheese.

Goals:

The ultimate goal is to get rid of your SHNERTS pile, but even a bigger goal is to get as many cards in the middle of the board as you can.

Scoring:

When someone yells: SHNERTS! everyone must stop play. Everyone must then count the remaining cards in their SHNERTS pile. Then you gather everyones cards from the middle of the board and separate them. When you receive your cards from the middle of the board back you subtract the remainder of cards you had in your SHNERTS pile from what you had in the middle of the board and that gives you your final score. You usually play until someone reaches 100, so you would repeat the entire game as many times as it takes for someone to reach 100.

Good luck!

To my former employers

2005-08-17T10:23:00.000-05:00

I am not sure why I feel the need to obsess over my former employer's and what it is I would have said to them if I had the chance. Here is what I would like to have said.

Brian: I quit because you didn't have a real business and you hired me to do a specific job yet you kept telling me what to do. In most situations I would appreciate suggestions as well as guidance but you are not a photographer and have no experience with photography or photojournalism. Your tip about how podiums have flowers in front of them to make pictures look pretty just didn't seem right to me.
You had a hard time explaining what your new business did and gave all of your prospective clients this pitch; "Think of my website as a Hotmail account, at first it is free and you can send email, but then after a while you want more features so you pay for upgrades." What does that even mean? Didn't you see the look of bewilderment on their faces? All your website is is a fancy directory for local artisans. You have a little animated logo that makes it look fancy and a letter you can subscribe too. It's funny because when you click on the 'news' and 'events' link it always says "Please come again"
You wanted me to research about cartoonists in the valley and wanted me to pitch you 20 ideas of cartoon happenings across the city on a monthly basis. News flash, the private cartoon industry isn't that hot right now, especially in Phoenix Arizona. The only think that is hot in that hell hole is the pavement.
The thing that preferably dove me away the most was our stupid argument over photography. After explaining what it is that I do you told me different, how it is that you know what I do more than myself is beyond me. After we went back and forth for about 5 minutes what finally ended the argument was you saying "You're not going to win this fight, I win every fight, nobody wins fights with me." What are you 10 years old? Are we in a candy store, do you want a lollipop?
Ok, its is about 12:30 p.m. we are in a coffee shop, we just had the most redundant conversation ever and I can clearly see that you just woke up and haven't showered for at least two days. Peace.
If you want to check out his website and try to figure out what it is that his business is go to this link:http://www.azimagination.com

John: John Thomas is not even your real name. Before I met you I knew what the seven deadly sins were but I never had met anyone who had encompassed each attribute. You are awaiting trial and possibly a lengthy jail sentence yet you still seem to be able live a normal life. Although, I wouldn't count going to a Lyle Lovitt concert 'normal' or do I think having to relocate and change your name because according to the papers "nobody on the east coast will do business with you" normal either. You spend a good two hours of the day taking huge massive dumps and I know this because when you leave to go use the washroom, not only are you gone for longer than a normal lunch break, you bring the paper and two novels.
The funny thing is that I was the only one in your office that gave you the benefit of the doubt. I just thought it would take a while to get used to your constant anger and loudness. I just thought you were an angry fat man and I looked passed that, I was wrong apparently, it went beyond that. The reviews your other employers gave me about you were short but very leading; "you'll see" and "I'm just doing this until I find something better" aren't very promising remarks.
I am sure after I say this you will have some response, but your cheeks are too fat and you're mouth is probrably full of food so It is hard to make out exactly what you are saying you fat gluttonous pig. Go to jail.

And finally the guy from Boulevard Art. You were never my employer but we had an interview. The first problem is that you do not know how to interview. All you did was talk about the large amounts of cash you rake in, which is your second mistake, since you told me you would only pay me $12.00 to manage your gallery. I swear you must smoke the pot too. You talked about the gold fish in your fish tank for about ten minutes. After that I did most of the talking. You got mad at me when I didn't know where Bensenville was and then you told me I would have to work seven days a week. Maybe I wouldn't be so bothered by this but since I have interviewed with you I have seen the same position posted on Craigslist four times since last October. Maybe you should reconsider what it is your are asking of people. Although I'm not really sure you know that either.

Dislikes

2005-08-15T12:11:00.000-05:00

I will tell you something that I really dislike. People who still write checks. I was just at Walgreens stuck behind a 73 year old woman for 10 minutes because she had to write a check for $5.73 When she offered her driver license for verification even the checkout lady was like "No, that's okay" Who do you thing you are, the Dude? You can only stare at impulse items for so long before it looks suspicious. They did get my to buy an extra pack of gum.

You know what? Here is another thing that I dislike. Nobody was impressed that I decided to share part of my secret life with them. Do you have a secret life? Have you shared it with me? I didn't think so. Have a little compassion, that was tough. Thanks to Jen who was inquisitive about my secret nakedness. Maybe if you people were a little more interested I would reveal more to you about my secret life, but no, that's okay, you don't care, I get it.

Here is a list of other things I dislike:
Bad haircuts
The fact that my hair does not grow very fast, in fact it grows at an irritably slow pace forcing me to consume vitamins and hair pills.
The taste that is left in your mouth after you eat bologna
Texting
When people tell me they don't want any pizza and then eat some of mine
Traffic
Driving
Cavities
The plague

My secret life

2005-08-11T12:04:00.000-05:00

I feel it is time to reveal to all of you that I am retired swimsuit model. Remember those four years I lived in Arizona? Well, it was all a lie. I was actually traveling with Hawaiian Tropic promoting sunscreen, swimsuits and sipping margaritas for four years. I'm sure this seems unbelievable at first, but let me ask you a few simple questions. Why do you think I hate the sun and the heat? We were pushed to the limit, it was every day for as long as the sun was out, I basically was burnt out by the end of our "hardbodies ,soft skin tour." Why is it I can hate Arizona but I never talk about it? I just say I hate it there and pretend that the past is so painfull that I don't want to think about it, but in reality there is no past and I don't remember Arizona because I was never there. I was out traveling in the most exotic sunny spots working on my tan and my swimsuit portfolio.
AH, I feel so much better! I've been carrying that around with me forever, the guilt as living as a closet swimsuit model is like no other.

Survey

2005-08-11T11:01:00.000-05:00

1. If you could eat only one kind of food for the rest of your life what would it be?
2. If you could only live in one place for the rest of your life where would it be?
3. If you had a pet fish what would you name it?
4. What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?
5. What do you like?
6. What do you dislike?
7. Is there any part of your life so far that you loved so much you would do over?
8. What should I eat for lunch?
9. Is the car shop going to jack me?

Lock & Key

2005-08-10T07:46:00.000-05:00

I have been having a lot of trouble with keys and locks. They first time was back in May when my key got stuck in the lock of my car and we couldn't get the stupid key out of the car or turn the car off so we had to take some fuses out and unplug the battery until it finally turned off. The entire ordeal was such a hassle and over $300 later I finally had a new key/ignition thingy in my car. Then you all know about the key and lock situation at work. That's two times in the past two weeks. Then yesterday, I am leaving work and my key gets stuck in the ignition in the start position. So, you know when you turn the key to start the car and then it pulls back into idle mode? Well, yeah, the key just got stuck in start, so my car sounds like its starting constantly which I don't know if you know what that sounds like, but it sounds like there is going to be an explosion. I can't turn the key, Im freaking out the key is stuck, I can't pop my hood to unplug my car and on top of it since it is stuck in start I can't even drive the car. So I go inside work and watch my car hoping it wont explode and start calling people. I call the car shop down the street. And this is where I really have a soft spot for people. I explain my situation and Bill tells me to turn the key back. Thanks Bill. I call the guy who fixed it last time and all he wants to know what kind of car it was. Finally after a half an hour of being really pissed off I put my goggles on and go in. I fucked my hand up pretty good but I got my key to turn back just a smidge so it was drivable. But seriously, what is the deal with keys and locks?

2005-08-08T16:54:00.000-05:00

This is exactly what ive been looking for.

Dear Bob

2005-08-08T14:13:00.000-05:00

Hi Bob, how's it going today? For those of you who don't know who Bob is I will inform you. Bob is the spider that has set up shop in my passenger side view mirror. Every morning there is a new web with lots of dead bugs wrapped up in it. I think about Bob a lot. I also did some research on Bob. I am not sure what kind of spider he is. I have to get a better look at him to see if he has six or eight eyes. If he has six I will have to be careful because he might bite me and cause some serious blisters that may or may not need cosmetic surgery. If it's eight well, then he can just see better I guess. To me, Bob is the smartest spider around. He has shelter when it rains (behind the mirror) and what better way to catch a bunch of bugs than to have a web strapped to a car that drives 100 miles a day down highways and byways. Bob, you're a genius! And I know spiders have eight legs but how much traveling do they really do? Bob is an explorer! He's out to see the world, maybe catch a bigger bug a long the way.

I hope I didn't hurt you today when I was moving my mirror around to get a better look at you. But good for you, you didn't run, you stood still ignoring my threat. Does that mean you like me? You are lucky, I know about a handfull of people that would shriek at the sight of you. Luckily my mom has been pumping me with false superstitions since I was little and the infamous "spiders are good luck" just happened to be one of them. I think that's why I am so fascinated with you. You go everywhere with me. It's so nice. I am also afraid of driving but since you are, according to my mother "good luck" I feel better about driving everywhere. You wake up in a new place lots of times and never leave. Doesn't that confuse you? What about your other little spidy friends?

Well, as far as it concerns me, my car is as much as your car now. Just don't drive it anywhere. And if you choose to start a family let me know about it first. Who knows, maybe we can work out some sort of deal where your kids wont eat you the moment they hatch.

Key me

2005-08-05T10:43:00.000-05:00

So, I got my key stuck in the door at work yesterday for the second time in two weeks. It's really annoying. Last time I messed with it for 10 minutes, called my boss and when he showed up all he did was turn the key and it came out. So, the second time I was all "I can totally get his key out." So Im sitting there for 20 minutes jiggling this stupid key in the middle of a strip mall when all of the sudden "Anton" comes along. "Oooo, I just hate to see a lady in distress, can I help you with that?" "Sure, thanks." so he starts doing basically the same thing I've been doing and then stops and says "If I get this key out you have to come to dinner with me, okay?" "NO! I don't think so, but thanks." "Oh, alright, well it doesn't seem to want to budge, good luck with that." ...."Thanks." Then he comes back "Just in case you change your mind, here is my card, call me, anytime." "Oooo, thanks Anton. The fact that you came an offered a helping hand, I appreciate, but whatever it is that makes you think that I, some random twenty something chick want to go out with a 40 year old man who has a slogan on their business card that reads "Where there's a fine line between Cutting & Trimming" is beyond me. Obviously there is a fine line between one in a million and 50/50.

Technology makes me lazy

2005-08-03T13:46:00.000-05:00

What was like like before cell phones and the internet? I can't imagine a time where I could have the kind of patience where I could wait all day to check my messages. Or go out all night. What if someone wanted to come meet up? How would they know where to go and at what time and what to wear and who to bring? In the past were we better at planning and making commitments so that we didn't have all these useless worries? I don't remember but I will tell you what I do remember what it was like when I first got a cell phone.

When I first got a cell phone I thought it was the coolest thing ever and instantly I didn't know how anyone could live without one. I still feel the same way. It also gave all girls a one-up on boys because we don't have to wait at home for your call anymore. (not that I did that ever)What took me about a month to figure out is the true beauty of the cell phone. Not only do you not have to answer your cell phone but there lies a strong possible "what if" clause in every missed call. The caller can and may assume many different things. Either you don't have your phone on you, the battery is dead, you don't get reception wherever it is you are or you just didn't get the message that they left you. The same goes for email. I communicate with my boss 90% over email, 10% I choose not to answer. Yeah, that's right, I got your message but I just don't want to come in on Saturday, or go feed your dog or go pick your mother-in-law up from the airport. Nobody appreciates cell phones more than my Grandpa. And he doesn't even own a cell phone. Every time he sees one he asks really quietly "Can I see that?" picks it up, and starts laughing, smiling "would you look at that! Isn't that amazing!!" Don't ask me what happens when we show him what it actually does.

I hold college 90% responsible for my laziness. Not only did I not have to graduate in 4 years but I didn't have to go to class and I didn't have to finish anything on time and I didn't have to wake up in the morning. I mean, what's the rush really? What a waste. What was I being conditioned for all of those pre-college years? I had a great respectable routine down that I didn't question. I was a soldier! And it is still a mystery weather or not I actually learned anything in college. So in the end I feel I would be a much better and respectful employee with better morals if I just started working after high school. (don't tell mom)

You are stupid

2005-07-28T07:57:00.000-05:00

Currently I work in a studio that is in the back of a store that is now closed. Yes it used to be open, but now it is not. There is a sign in the window that says STORE FOR RENT that takes up 3/4ths of the entire front window. There is another sign next to it that says the store has been closed since June 30th and it explains why we are closed. You look inside and you see nobody, the walls are completely bare. So I ask you this, why do people keep knocking on the door? Why do people keep pulling on the locked door as if extra force is going to magically not only open the door, but make the store open again? Why if the door is accidentally open people will come in, say "hello" over and over again until I come out and talk to them, and then when I do talk to them they start asking me what it is that we do here. "We are closed" ..."You are??? Why? When?....ok, would you mind telling me what it is that you do here?" Are you fucking with me?

I need a doctor

2005-07-26T09:32:00.000-05:00

Are you a doctor? Maybe you can help me with a diagnosis. You see, the problem is that every time I go to the doctor they spend a little time ruling out things like strep and mono and then when I don't have either of those they just write me a prescription. Then I say something like "So, what is it?" and they say "probrably a virus."

Now, the great thing about this is that before I went to be checked for mono and strep I was in the waiting room and the phone rang. A few seconds later she holds part of the phone to her hand, leans over to the doctor and says "Patient so and so needs a diagnosis" the Doctor replies "Chest pain." You see, I am not saying the Doc is wrong, but usually the reason why you go to the Doctor in the first place is because you are having symptoms such as chest pain, sore throat, swollen glands, etc. Does this particular Doctor know that A) his patients already know that they are having these symptoms and B) we need a freaking diagnosis. Chest pain is not a diagnosis. When I said, "So, it's just a throat ailment?" and he replied "Yeah, we can call it that" I defiantly felt like I had the best care in the world. Thanks for writing me a fucking prescription for a fake virus that is too expensive to fill.

Ok, back to my original question. I still need a diagnosis. Why won't you help me Doctor? There is only so much WebMD and askJeeves can do for my health. My symptoms include: raspy, very dry throat that seems to be healing but not going away. But, the thing that I am most worried about it this random headache. I had it all winter and it is back to haunt me. It is in between my eyebrows. It feels like static cling on my forehead, Sometimes I have to sit and pull at my right eyebrow because there is all the pressure that is inside of my head trying to get out. Please don't tell me to cut caffeine, done that, please don't tell me to drink more water, done that, and please don't tell me it's stress. I will guarantee to you that I have the least stress out of anyone on the planet. I am sure a toddler has more stress than I have. Someone who is a doctor should tell me something! Don't tell me "Head pain" I know it's head pain. I want to know if I should go get an MRI.

Poll

2005-07-25T17:11:00.000-05:00

What should my next job be?

A) Consultant

B) Spanish Teacher

C) Pizza Delivery Guy

D) Other (please specify)

Things I love about you

2005-07-25T09:24:00.000-05:00

I love it when you wake up in the middle of the night and wisper in my ear "I love you"
I love it when you cook me dinner every night
I love it when you rationalize eating ice cream 2x in one day
I love when I walk to slow you call me pokyhontas
I love how we love and hate all the same things
I love how you think vacuuming your bed is the same was washing your sheets
I love how you think it's okay to put your boss in a headlock
I love how each time I met someone from your work or home they are so happy to "finally" meet me and that you never stop talking about me
I love how you think a concert in the park is the worst thing ever, but skydiving would be a nice afternoon activity
I love how you make sure you are holding my hand when we cross the street
I love how I feel when I am with you
I love how you think doughnuts are part of our diet
I love how you take care of me

The Physics of Hell

2005-07-23T19:08:00.000-05:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
profound that the professor shared it with colleagues via the
Internet -- which, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the volume of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the
rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during
my Freshman year: "It will be a cold day in Hell before I go out
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in acquiring a date with her, then 2 cannot be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A".

Comments related to the office

2005-07-23T18:58:00.000-05:00

My office duties will come to a halt tomorrow at 5pm CST.(insert feeling of heartbreak and sorrow here) After 2.5 weeks of various office related duties, I got the ax, the boot, the torch. And there was no Bob, not even one, there were two chicks named Amy and Kim and they didn't wait until Friday to avoid confrontation. No, they told me Tuesday, which killed the pride I had in making copies and coffee. Now, it's only been 2.5 weeks, but let me tell you, it has been an amazing 2.5 weeks. I have learned so much. Seriously. Let me fill you in.

1. Even if your job is to do nothing but sit and wait for something to happen, you can be fake busy by inventing little mock jobs that are supposed to be pleasurable activities. For example.. I never had anything to do, but now I keep myself busy 8 hours a day because I have all this shit I need to take care of. Like the crossword puzzle in the Trib. I have to consistently maintain an IM conversation with friends and co-workers and hear about office drama across this great land of ours! I have also become very patriotic and I think it's because one of my AOL IM buddies works in DC.

2. Office VS Bar:
Instead of alcohol and pretzels there is coffee and donuts.
Instead of a juke box playing pop hits of today, there is a small radio that plays the background banter of NPR orWNUA 95.5....god! where is Delilah when you need her?
Instead of guys being stupid and hitting on me there are guys being stupid and hitting on me but they aren't blowing smoke in my face.
Instead of "So, what did you do today?" it's "So what are you up to tonight?"
Instead of guys starring at my chest when they talk to me there are guys starring at my chest when they talk to me while holding a cup of coffee.
Instead of me wearing a T-shirt that has an arrow pointing to my face that says "I'm up here" I have a woven sweater set that says "I'm up here, would you like some coffee?"
Instead of asking for as phone # you ask for your screen name.
Instead of looking at porn you just watch porn because offices have way better DSL than you do at home. (that could happen in a bar)
Instead of having a bar theme such as "chill hipster, dance club, or local tavern" it's "Biz casual"
If this place was a bar it would be called "The Laptop Lounge" or "The Laughing Gorilla" (obvious)

3. People are fucking stupid
I have to answer all the incoming calls, which there aren't that many. 75% of all calls is a result of someone on the other end mis-dialing. How is that possible? Numbers don't really look alike and I doubt you've just learned how to use a phone. Is everyone on there cell phone and driving at the same time? Yesterday morning the phone rang 5x in a row and this is what I heard " An incoming collect call, will you accept the charges? This is an incoming collect call from Cook County Jail, to hear the name of the INMATE that is trying to reach you, please press 5."

4. I can see into my asses future
You can tell who has been here the longest because there asses are the biggest. To combat this inevitable ass spreading I do various things such as sitting on my feet, ass crunches, oh yeah, and I refuse to eat the bag of motherfucking communal chocolate that sits in front of me and gets refilled every day. It's easy to keep my pie-hole shut because I can instantly see where that chocolate is going, and it ain't my ass.

5. Complaints
The only real complaint I have is the bathroom. Seriously, if I see "Tina" on my way in the bathroom and she's on her way out and it smells like shit, all I'm going to think about all day is how Tina dropped a bomb and I had to reluctantly breath it in for 2 minutes.

100 Reasons Phoenix Sucks

2005-07-23T18:47:00.000-05:00

1. If you moved to phoenix a sensible and normal person basically you realize while you are living there that your life has some how turned into a quest to stay sane and make sense of life and living in the desert. It is all about survival, mental survival. Soon you hear the National Geographic guy narrating your life in the background. (ok, that might just be me)

2. You can go to the DMV and get a drivers license that will last you 60 years. Yea, you don't need to renew it, or update it, thats right 60 fucking years....same ID. Might I also ad that 80% of Phoenix are people that are so old they can't see through the blinding death sun rays in the sky?

3. Barry M Goldwater. He is like the only person from Arizona that ever did anything....and you wont forget it. Every 3rd building and/or street is named after him. If you dont see a building or a street named after him I assure you that you will soon come across some sort of bronzed statue or plaque 4. Devils Martini, they should have a sign written out to all guys: "If you're not wearing a black button down with oversized collar and slightly overworn jeans you can go get your fucking apple martini somewhere else, catcha lata bra"

5.Downtown consists of a baseball stadium, a basketball arena, and the fucking ghetto. All conveniently located next to brand new condos, yours for only $750,000! But It's ok... and worth it! Because we call it an "artists community"

6. In a group of friends 68% of the people hate each other yet they will still hang out with each other on a weekly basis for the sake of beer and or drama.

7. Arizona State University, I know it has the "seal" and all, but is it an actual "university" Is my diploma "for real"?

8 .It's fucking 8 billion fucking goddamn degrees night and day 9 The sun never sets

10.Old people even have the sense to leave in the summer.

11. its like LA, if LA had three #21 chromosomes.

12. Tempe town lake

13. downtown has those ghost town hay balls rolling down the street at night

14. culture consists of a reading of poems about the book of Mormon

15. its a desert and there are lakes

16. its a billion degrees

17. it raped my sister

18. Choices of places to eat include Baja Cantinas and Sushi

19. I am here.

20. The place with more stuff.

21. Sun City, Sun Lakes and Snowbirds.

22. Stevie Nicks, Rick Schroeder and Alice Cooper

23. the blood of fighting cocks fill the streets of S. phoenix or is this a good thing?

24. Golf courses

25. Kokopelli souvenirs

26. Native American Gift shops

27. Stupid fucking bronze statues of horses and little barefoot children that look like Tom Sawyer

28. Dumb plastic-chested whores with frail bleached blond hair brighter than the sun who drive white jettas with a "Bad Girl" sticker on the back

29. Idiotic fraternity guys with flip flops and "Yankees Suck, Jeter Swallows" t-shirts that drink jager bombs and call you chief and partner

30. Minority Report Bike cops that will right you a ticket for even thinking about doing something wrong

31. Life sucking gated apartment 'communities' with names like Breezy Palm Village and Desert Shadow Oasis that systematically drain happiness and sanity from you like a slow painful enema hooked up to your soul.

32. The complete absence of life downtown other than yuppie twixters and their overtanned undereducated bulimic girlfriends with tiny shorts that say "sweetie pie" on the ass that live in $1 million lofts OR hard core ghetto mexicans with cocaine snot dripping from their nose and a tattoo on their chest of someone murdering someone else, that live inside the dumpsters behind the strip clubs

33. Concert venues that attract big names like the Goo Goo Dolls, Jimmy Eat World, and Pantera.

34. Haunted House theme parks and Renaissance festivals

35. The Picture Lady

36. The dog track

37. Not having an answer when someone comes to visit and asks you where everyone hangs out

38. Not being able to do anything with friends in town other than get completely fucking wasted all day long at college theme bars

39. Very poorly maintained jail system. Its just not right.

40. Unbelievably inconsistent laws that allow you to ride motorcycles without helmets and bring concealed loaded weapons into churches but immediately lock your ass up for smoking a doobie.

41. The inability to do anything without getting in your car paired with the contradictory inability to do anything that doesnt involve drinking eventually results in agreeing with #39 42. Old Town

43. Mesa

44. Awahtukee

45. Chandler

46. Gilbert

47. Peoria

48. Sun city

49. Guadalupe

50. The non existent public transportation system

51. The over abundance of trailer parks and auto repair shops that would seem to suggest that everyone in Phoenix lives in broken down motor homes.

52. Ridiculous club lounges with one syllable names and one errant letter like Spyce, Juise and Drinx.

53. When it rains dirt - hate that

54. Stupid people everywhere

55. "It's a dry heat" - as if that somehow makes 110-degree days bearable

56. Strip malls. Nothing but strip malls.

57. That bitch who lived down the street from Hudson Manor that called the cops on us everytime we had more than four friends over and who literally walked onto our front yard to yell at me to get off of my own roof!

58. Jefferson Commons

59. The meathead fights that broke out at Jefferson Commons every weekend.

60. Vitaly

61. When you drive to San Diego, LA or Vegas you've going for a good hour and you're still in Phoenix - and Phoenix sucks

62. Everything between PHX and SD, LA and LV

63. Ugly ASU girls that act like bitches because that's what the pretty ones do and they think that if they act like a bitch they become less ugly. Just be cool. Ugly, cool girls rock!

64. Those six-inch thick flipflops girls would shuffle around in. I think those are finally went out of style, but jesus I hate those things.

65. If you're not a college student you are one of the following: A) Fat and sloppy and lazy and go to blockbuster 7 nights a week and depend on your satellite cable for all social and sexual encounters B) Just moved here because one of your buddies told you to and you just graduated college and needed to just "go party" where it's "warm" for the sole purpose of postponing getting a "real" job post-college

66. Little "fun" factoid; Did you know that 1 out of 5 people in Phoenix have an illegitimate child?

67.. Did you know that being raised in Phoenix raises these chances?

68. . Did you also know that being raised in Phoenix you are likely to grow up as one of the following: A) Slut B) Whore C) Just plain stupid

69. Guys totally have the upper hand when it comes to girl in Phoenix. Any guy that knows he can get a girl to sleep with him just by putting on "Braveheart" deserves a pat on the back. Damn you stupid women. Also, I feel that somewhere John Mayer fits in this category somehow. Like "Want to go listen to some John Mayer in my truck and make out?"

70. The local news Channel 3 has a tag line of "The place with more stuff!" Now that is just wrong and improper use of english on a major network television station which convinces people its ok not to think when they talk. "stuff" is just another generic word people use when they want to use the word shit or crap. And that is so like AZ to be like "We got mo' shit!!! watch our television show"

71. Jesus Christ! How many miles do I have to drive to get a decent tasting piece of fucking pizza??

72.. Two words: Ostrich festival

73.. Remember after 911 how ASU had a "candlelight vigil" on Hayden Lawn and there was like 6 people there: 4 of us, some astrology teacher who was looking through a telescope, and some indian kid that passed out on the nipple.

74. Not being able to have 4 girls live under the same roof because its against the law

75. Heat lamps at all bars and restaurants that emit a barely perceptible warmth in the 12 inches surrounding it or for some reason are hotter than molten magma.

76. 'Celebrity' golf tournaments and baseball games starring Pauly Shore, Puck, Carrot Top and Bill from Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure

77. 944 magazine and the sixty glossy pages of shiny shirts and big tits sitting in booths licking eachothers faces listening to DJ SuperSpinZone.

78. The articles in any Az magazine that are either about a new Asian Fusion restaurant, a Euro contemporary lounge with an eclectic nouveau atmosphere, or some jerkoff's new ridiculous idea of how to transform the downtown wasteland into anything else but what it is.

79. Janet "Holy shit she's fucking scary" Napolitano

80. Tour bus limousines...so you can pretend you are important when you travel the 3 blocks of Scottsdale clubs

81. The inability of anyone to drive if the roads are wet, evident in the multi car pileups all across the city when the 20 minute storms hit.

82. Fat fucking senile Sheriff Joe and his 'posse' of fat assed taser happy deputies

83. Sky Harbor airport and its gaudy Southwestern art on all the walls and floors.

84. The HIV dance squad at the Dream Palace

85. Everyone's irrational obsession with dipping everything in Ranch dressing

86. Bullshit 'energy vortexes' in Sedona

87. The stupid tradition of "painting the A" on A mountain and the cops that wait there every year and arrest these assholes over and over again

88. The no alcohol policy at football games that ends up causing mass alcohol poisoning and Indiana pacer style brawls because of everyone chugging pints of liquor in the bathroom stalls.

89. The plethora of mexican shit shacks with the '-bertos" suffix that initiate diarrhea about as fast as drinking a bowl of toilet water in Acapulco.

90. Theme bars named after celebrities and sports stars that are neither famous nor talented

91. Misting systems that just drip water on your head and into youre prickly pear aioli mahi mahi tacos

92. The mind bending incompetence of the entire Arizona Cardinals organization

93. The unusually frightening enthusiasm of the fans of the WORLD CHAMPION Arizona Rattlers

94. Pizzerias that list BBQ chicken and hamburger meat as toppings

95. Real Estate agents that are pictured leaning or sitting on one of the letters of their business card

96. The horrific shock you experience after entering the Arizona Mills Mall and witnessing the fattest and most disgusting teenage gangster trolls sluggishly lumbering past the bling cell phone cover kiosks on their way to EC-KO to buy a yellow leather jacket while one of their eight kids aimlessly wanders the mall amongst the other six hundred unattended children.

97. The Mill Avenue New Years Eve Block Party, which is where the same people from the mall stand in the middle of the street and watch the Gin Blossoms

98. The ability to drive the entire way from Phoenix to Flagstaff through connected parking lots of strip malls.

99. The incomprehensible decision to build 2 major sports complexes on an Air Force base in Nevada ..and finally:

100. My Big Fat Stupid Fucking Retarded Greek Restaurant

Getting Fired

2005-07-23T10:57:00.000-05:00

RANT: I'm not incompetent. Just because you are a glutton who's cheeks are to fat to be able to properly pronounce words that form a complete sentence doesn't mean I'm incompetent. When I say "Excuse me?" or "Can you repeat that please?" it does not mean I am incompetent, it means you are a fat slob who slurs his speech and the dribble that pours from your lips is impossible to interpret. For example. You say to me "can you mananlanal gralrowjlajd gjlks for me? " I say; "pardon?" You say; " I said mananlanal gralrowjlajd gjlks!!!!!" I say; "You want another donut you fatty?" You say; "NO! I SAID mananlanal gralrowjlajd gjlks!!!!!!!!!" I say; "There isn't a pig fat enough to feed your fat face and have you be partially satisfied you tub-o-snot, here is your prying bar, now go get yourself a krispy kreme"

RAVE: Having two jobs. There is no time to go and feel sorry for myself and feel that I am unemployable because I have another job and I have to get up in the morning and go to it.

RAVE: Having a new job that sucks more than your current job is the best way to appreciate what you have. Before I kinda thought my old boss was giving me the run around and that I was tired of commuting. Now I appreciate my original boss and enjoy all his little "eccentricities" Sure, I just got my paycheck today from June 7th, but when he said to me "Here is your paycheck, I apologize for the delay" I could perfectly understand every syllable.

RANT: I must say, when you get fired from a job where all you do all day is write emails and surf the Internet and do cross word puzzles it is defiantly a blow. If I were say accidentally hired to oversee the entire production of next months issue of "Crains Chicago Business" and I had all the writers write about which buildings in Chicago are the biggest and prettiest and then rate all of the pizza places in Chicagoland I could completely understand why they would fire me. God I love pizza.

RAVE: Right before I was fired I learned that the guy I was working for is not only awaiting sentencing for illegal activity at his formal company, but he had to legally change his name and leave New York because he was so well-known for being a crook that nobody would do business with him (see attached article). Also, I had two other employees tell me "You'll see how much he sucks, just wait" And I replied "Well, anybody who commissions someone to do a neon painting of the Tazmanian devil Andy Warhol style must have some issues."

Breakfast

2005-07-23T10:48:00.000-05:00

Dan went to get us all breakfast, hopefully he won't fuk it up.
p.s. hold the mayo

Hi

2005-07-23T10:37:00.000-05:00

I'm totally Megan. This is totally my blog. This is where I post my thoughts, like: Why is stuff so cool? Check you later.